that's life.

zackisontumblr:

if you ever have children you could introduce them to people by saying hey wanna see what i made

(via nubbin-ectomy)

postmaker:

1. call your landline from your mobile phone or vice versa
2. say the word “bomb”; this will trigger a recording mechanism that will now monitor the conversation
3. you can now read any screenplays that you’ve been working on to a government agent who will have to listen to them in full

(via doppelganger-bitch)

sherlocksmyth:

sherlocksmyth:

one time my religion teacher who has a monobrow asked me “what the hell did you do to your hair?” because i had a blonde streak through it and i said “what the hell did you do to your eyebrow” and he sent me outside

when i came back in he asked everyone what monotheism was and i said it meant a religion that worshiped one god because mono means one as in monobrow and he sent me out again

(via hazfuckedlou)

hiddlestalker:

swanepeols:

coldcoffeh:

when you’re so pale that your bare legs reflect sunlight and shine bright like diamonds

shine bright like a white kid

(via horanstiffy)

• (I’m running errands for my pregnant wife. While walking to a nearby store, I see two teenagers harassing a child that is only four or five years old. I shoo them away from the boy, and he introduces himself.)
• Me: “So, where’s your mom at?”
• Boy: “She’s in the store. Do you have kids?”
• Me: “Not yet. We’re expecting a baby girl soon, though.”
• Boy: “Well, she’s going to turn out nice, like you! So, I’m going to marry her someday!”
• (I laugh, and play along while I bring him to the service desk, and wait until his mom picks him up. Six years later, my daughter comes home from school and introduces us to a friend that defended her against a bully on the playground. I didn’t recognize him, but he certainly knew who I was!)

• Person: Rape is just surprise sex.
• Me: Killing you would just be giving you a surprise nap.